When you say nothing at all

Come February and love suddenly becomes the most sought after emotion human race has ever experienced! From colleges to workplaces and restaurants to shopping malls everyone seems to be basking in the glory of love. It’s almost like celebration of a (pseudo) festival. Pinks and reds become colours of the season as roses and chocolates gear up to grab some limelight. Romantics are heroised and petty beings like me are looked down upon for being unromantic, boring creatures. But I believe, “True love is not so much of a matter of romance as it is of anxious concern for the well-being of one’s companion”. Well for decades together 'love' has intrigued authors, poets, painters world over, each trying to portray the phenomenon through their work. It's amazing to see how a single term can have multiple meanings and interpretations.

For someone like me who never really got thrilled with the idea of expressing and celebrating love on a dedicated day once in a year, finding ‘the’ love of my life certainly had to be ‘different’. I met my husband through a matrimony site and we started chatting as normally as anyone could. We connected instantly, thanks to his amazing sense of humour and our mutual love of food. We gradually discovered many more common interests right from procrastinating, doing absolutely nothing on weekends, watching TV endlessly to some better interests like reading books, listening to music and cooking together.  For us it was nothing less than a perfect match, justifying the age-old belief that marriages are made in heaven – indeed!

Following a brief courtship of about 10 months it was a yes for marriage from both of us. All my friends who were initially excited on hearing the news were utterly disappointed on finding out that there was no formal proposal with bent knees, no roses, chocolates or heart-shaped cake, no candle light dinner or a late night drive. All we did was catch up on a movie (Chak-de India) followed by a hearty meal at one of my favorite places in town. Thus began our journey – simple and joyful.

It’s been 10 years of togetherness and we are still the same. There haven’t been any I love you’s or long lovey-dovey phone calls, no surprise birthday parties or romantic anniversary getaways. Never have I felt the urge to get decked up when he returns home from work nor does he need to compliment me when I look good. For us, love manifests in the most mundane acts like having that first cup of tea together, sharing the day-to-day happenings, shopping together (even if it means monthly groceries ),laughing on the same kind of jokes, cooking each other’s favorite meals or even visiting the doctor together when the other is sick.

What worked wonders for us is that we have accepted each other the way we are, never weighed each other down with expectations or comparisons, never shied away from apologizing to the other and have always given each other the space to pursue a life of our own. We complement each other in ways more than one and that’s what makes us a complete package of two happy individuals who make a happy couple who in turn make happy parents raising a happy daughter in the happiest family ever!

My Birthday Resolution - 'Love Thyself'

If I have to run through the snapshot of my life it is nothing more than ordinary, simple or mundane. Growing up in the city that never sleeps can be fun as well as challenging. You are exposed to competition at a very tender age and you gradually learn the tricks to sustain it by observing your family members, peers and everyone else around you who seem to be forever running a race with time and fighting a war for survival.

Contrary to the perceived personality of a typical Mumbaikar (of being self-centered) my upbringing happened in a rather different manner. Putting others before self is something I peculiarly learned from elders during my formative years and this became a distinct feature of my personality. Be it in my personal relationships or professional, I started doing things that made others happy irrespective of my own wants, needs or desires and I happily accepted it as a way of life strongly believing that my happiness lies in the happiness of others around me. Yes, it can be thoroughly fulfilling to lead a life that spreads smiles around but not at the cost of your own tears! Alas, I didn't realize this back then.

The roller-coaster ride of my life was at times on-track, at times off. Gathering experiences from failed friendships, bad career choices or inability to shrewdly fight workplace politics, I kept moving on. Like a good daughter who abides by all rules of the house I completed my masters, landed up a decent job, got married at the right time and got blessed with motherhood soon after. How else is a perfect life anyway? I was a happy daughter, wife, daughter in- law, mother as I did complete justice to all these roles - fostering values, nurturing and caring for my people. I took immense pride doing that; I still do, but with a slight twist. Just as the snake sheds its old skin for the sake of growth, I consciously tried to shed few aspects of my personality pretty much for the same cause; for my personal growth and elevation to become a better individual. All this became possible only when I decided to listen to myself before anyone else in the world, when I started paying attention to my own passions long lost or forgotten or simply put on a back-foot under the pretext of being too busy or being too old to pursue those anymore. It is little unfortunate that this realization dawned on me bit late; almost after over 30 years of my life; but like its said - Its better late than never.

Today I am as content as never before. I have found a new love in whom I confide my prettiest dreams or my ugliest nightmares, with whom I share my fears and inhibitions, my goals and desires and from whom I derive strength to overcome challenges and face each day with new energy, zeal and determination. I am so grateful to have found her and to unveil the special bond we share. Be it diligently following my fitness regimen, pursuing my favorite hobbies or helping me say a firm no when it is necessary; she inspires me, motivates me and brings out the best in me. She gives me the courage to stand up for myself and reinforces that its humane to not please everyone all the time and that I can live my life my way that too absolutely guilt-free.

Yes, 'SHE' is none other than me.

Its time I give her what she deserves - unconditional love, for she has dealt with secondary treatment all these years without any qualms or complains. On this birthday I pledge to take good care of her physical,emotional and social well-being. I promise I will never let her down, I will cherish the little girl that she has always been and treat her with all due respect and dignity..because she is worth it!

Growing up as a mommy

I sit bleary eyed in a jam packed auditorium cheering and clapping for my 5 year old big girl who walks gracefully to receive her pre-school convocation. I am unable to believe that my little munchkin is no longer a toddler. She would soon enter the ruthless world of tests, assessments, assignments and grades!

Suddenly I want to turn back time, just for us - me and her, so that I could relive all the golden moments she has given me all the way in these 5 years. I want to hold her in my arms just the way I did the first time I saw her, kiss her forehead and cradle her to a peaceful sleep. I want to stay awake just to watch her sleeping innocently oblivious to the worries, fears and insecurities of life. I once again want to play peek-a-boo and hide-n-seek with her just to see the excitement on her face on seeing me. I want to build with her the most beautiful sand castles and sand cakes decorated with flowers, leaves et al without bothering about the sand particles we would take back home and the mess I would be needed to clean up. I want to paint with her, spill color and water all around and just have fun. I want to have long tub-baths with her, making shapes out of shampoo foam and giggling gleefully blowing foam bubbles onto each other. I want to play her baby yet again and let her play her favorite role of being my mommy and treat me to the various delicacies cooked by her in her tiny toy cookware.

Yes, I could still do all of it but she would no longer be the same little naughty toddler ever again. She would grow up before my eyes and we all know how time flies! Soon she would stop waking me up from deep sleep wanting me to cuddle her up because she had a bad dream, she would stop needing an hour or more of my time, efforts, stories and games to make her finish her meals, she would not need me to brush her teeth, bathe her, dress her up or put her to bed.

Although I am extremely happy like any other mother to see my baby grow independent, I realize there will be a sudden void in my routine. I feel as if my life that has been revolving around my baby since the time she entered this world, is on the verge of coming to a screeching halt after all these eventful, fast paced years. I will now have so much more time to myself that I do not know what to do with it.  I am sure all moms face it at some point or the other - the separation anxiety. I am trying my best to deal with it by keeping myself occupied in things I have always loved doing but could not pursue due to lack of time - writing is one of them!

As I rise up from my chair looking around for my little graduate, I spot her mingling with her friends, a sense of achievement in her eyes as they meet mine. I signal her to come to me as we need to rush home and as she does, I carry her in my arms and plant a peck on her cheek. She wipes it shyly and says - Mumma I am a big girl now you know, dont carry me like this. I oblige and we walk out of the auditorium, tears rolling down my cheeks - those of happiness, contentment and pride!

In the era of women liberation

It was already 5 in the evening and I was still at home. I had to reach by 6 which started seeming bleak especially since it was pouring here in Mumbai. The mere thought of travelling through puddled roads irritated me. But at the same time I was elated too, for I was going to have a blast and did not really mind paying a small price for it!

I hurriedly boarded the bus and was relieved to find a vacant window seat; meant for women passengers. The bus started and I wished it could take me straight to my destination without having to wait at traffic signals and through jams. I was thrilled about meeting my friends after 2 long years. There was so much to talk about, so much to listen to, so much fun and madness awaiting...

I hardly paid any attention to the stops where my bus halted. Gradually it started getting crowded but it didnt matter to me as I was safely seated...or so I thought.

I was engrossed in my thoughts, looking out of the window that I suddenly felt something move through my waist. Oh.. the passenger behind might have just boarded and managed to get a seat - I thought and resumed looking out of the window. A little later and bit surprisingly I again felt something move through my waist. This time it bothered me and I immediately turned back with an angry look (women generally use this peculiar look as a weapon to scare the male species around, and trust me it helps).

I mellowed down at the sight of an old man - or whatever you would call a man with grey hair, wrinkled face, et al. I said sorry and turned ahead. The bus was finding way amidst packed roads, bottlenecks and I was killing time by looking around and hoping to reach my stop soon. Some more time passed and I felt something move again....this time I turned back with suspicion to find the old man leaning on the window and having a peaceful nap. Next to him was a young man with a kid on his lap.

Was it an illusion? Was I hallucinating, and why? I turned ahead, slightly disturbed and continued what I was doing earlier..watching the life outside my bus window. Some time later I heard someone murmur something right in my ears. I immediately looked back and saw that the old man had leaned further and was talking something..but he was inaudible. I ignored him. And there came the hand again, beneath my tee. I did no mistake now and caught it right there and turned back. I could hardly believe what I saw. That grey haired, wrinkled faced old man whom I had ignored as a harmless creature was deriving some salacious pleasure out of touching me, a girl probably his daughters age. I started shivering, out of rage and shock at the same time. That pervert still had the guts to ask me my number and now did I realize what was being murmured in my ears earlier. I had started trembling by then in fury and lost absolute sense of where I was. I twisted that very lustful hand and slapped him hard.

There was absolute silence in the bus, and all eyes wide with disbelief. The conductor intervened and asked me what the matter was. And I broke down, tears rolling down my eyes. I was feeling cheated of my own values with which I had grew up, of respecting elders and treating them with dignity and care. I was feeling helpless because none of them present in the bus seemed convinced with what this lecherous man had done to me. I was standing there like a villain for I had just slapped an old man who could barely see or walk straight without support. How could he have done something to me? And the very same values that taught me to respect elders had taught my fellow bus travelers that in situations like these, girls are to blame. I was totally unmoved by the reaction of my co-passengers. I had to give it back, and without wasting any time I pulled him from his seat and asked the driver to take the bus to the nearest police station. Now the old man started getting dramatic crying loudly saying it was just a misunderstanding on my part and that he never even thought of touching me, leave aside making an attempt. I looked around in horror. He was not just lecherous but a b@#$#%d of the first order. I lashed out at him with all the swear/ curse words I ever knew. The bus came to a screeching halt and the conductor pushed him out. He turned to me and asked me if I was ok and offered me water. No..I was not Ok. I had paid the price for being respectful towards elders, of being subject to someones lustful advances. My fault? I still don't know.

I got down from the bus, tired, as if I had walked all the way. All my friends were already there waiting for me. I pretended as if I really had a tiring journey and joined them in the giggles and laughter. After all who would want to share an unpleasant experience with friends meeting after a long time.

It is true that every unpleasant experience teaches a particularly unforgettable lesson. I had learned my lesson too.
Never trust anyone with their motives once you step out of the comfort of your home. Age, gender, profession etc have nothing to do with a persons intrinsic frame of mind. So, just be yourself yet cautious!

Enough is enough

There is breaking news on every news channel...Mumbai siege ends. Is it really so? Some terrorists have been gunned down..alright. But what about hundreds of families who have lost their loved ones? What about the survivors who have seen death closely? What about the sentiments of lakhs of Indians that have been slaughtered ruthlessly? The fact of the matter is that we have got accustomed to such terror attacks. Today its Mumbai, tomorrow some other place. We sit glued to our T.V for couple of days, read every bit of the story and keep ourselves updated. We thank god for keeping us and our loved ones safe...and come to terms with the reality resuming our normal life pretty soon. This is what has gained us a new adjective: 'resilient'. It is good to show resilience, but of late it has been taken for granted, not alone by the terrorists but also by our very own political parties who are supposedly elected to safeguard us. The question arises here is..how is the common man supposed to react? If we introspect a bit, we shall get the answer.
Be it 1993 serial blasts or the recent train blasts, terrorism has become a part of our lives, how much ever we try to deny, atleast till we have some strong terror-laws in place . So we must not forget that we cant get lucky everytime such a disaster happens. Life today, is unpredictable. But I cant allow just anyone to decide my fate or the fate of my fellow innocent countrymen. And I think here the exemplary showcase of bravery and determination of our NSG commandos, hotel staff and the cops is worth a many many salutes.
Till recently I was afraid; of terror-strikes, disasters, and death. A mere sight of an ghastly act or its aftermath used to send a chill down my spine. But I have had enough of it, and I am tired now; of being weak, scared and helpless. And this exactly has helped me evolve as a fearless person from within. Death is inevitable. So if our politicians are unable to secure us thats our sheer bad luck. Its our bad-luck because, in this age and time we dont see any political party that is fit to safeguard our interests. And we are weary of asking questions.
So there is one option left.... lets die like a true martyr..
I have made a promise to myself...the next time I happen to visit any of my favourite mall, restaurant, or simply travelling back home and god-forbid I am not as fortunate, I shall give a tough fight.....because..... enough is enough.

My magical hat

Today didnt seem like just another day when it started. I got up at my usual time, all the daily chores followed. But something was amiss. I thought it was lack of sleep the previous night that made me feel so pale and tired. I was dragging myself around the house; my mind,blank and head, heavy.
Nothing can help you better at such times than a 'kadak chai'. Decided to sip on my fav hot drink as I opened today's edition of Bangalore Times. After having a look at the horoscope and some filmy gossips, I slowly turned the page. What drew my attention was:

• Something brewing behind your back?? Here are some tips to tackle the situation.
• Improve your relationships, we tell you how. And couple of related articles.

An entire page devoted to ' Relationships'.
Under normal circumstances I would have just turned the page or laughed at the fact that how lately newspapers have started banking on troublesome relationships and offering solutions to silly minds who follow the so called 'tips' in an attempt to set it (relationship) right!!
But to my surprise, I didnt do any of these.
I was awake last night trying to figure out what must have gone wrong in my best friends relationship. I have known her as an extremely bubbly, chirpy, enthusiastic person, totally in love with life. Besides having a loving family, wonderful set of friends around, she has to her credit a perfect degree, a perfect job, and a perfect looking relationship. What else would anyone desire for??
But from whatever conversation I had with her yesterday, I sensed that she was in pain. Totally disappointed, disheartened. Her relationship was in trouble. There were disagreements, fights on trivial issues and much more. The outcome was: A sudden dip in her self-confidence, nothing but negativity and pessicism surrounding her. She had started thinking of herself as a loser. I became restless.
I put on my thinking hat and tried to place myself in her shoes.

" A shoe-bite doesnt always mean those shoes are mis-fit; it means its time for you to change the way you walk"
Never associate your joy or sorrow to others' behaviour.
Seek happiness within.
The degree to which you get affected by others should be something only you can decide.
Take some time for introspection. It will help you find the best of solutions, ever.

I put the paper aside and picked up my cell to call her. After a detailed discussion, we agreed to meet this evening. She's gonna enrol herself into a music institute, for music has been her greatest passion.

As I sign off, I sip on my 'cold' tea that tastes so good today. Thanks to my Thinking Hat.