My Birthday Resolution - 'Love Thyself'

If I have to run through the snapshot of my life it is nothing more than ordinary, simple or mundane. Growing up in the city that never sleeps can be fun as well as challenging. You are exposed to competition at a very tender age and you gradually learn the tricks to sustain it by observing your family members, peers and everyone else around you who seem to be forever running a race with time and fighting a war for survival.

Contrary to the perceived personality of a typical Mumbaikar (of being self-centered) my upbringing happened in a rather different manner. Putting others before self is something I peculiarly learned from elders during my formative years and this became a distinct feature of my personality. Be it in my personal relationships or professional, I started doing things that made others happy irrespective of my own wants, needs or desires and I happily accepted it as a way of life strongly believing that my happiness lies in the happiness of others around me. Yes, it can be thoroughly fulfilling to lead a life that spreads smiles around but not at the cost of your own tears! Alas, I didn't realize this back then.

The roller-coaster ride of my life was at times on-track, at times off. Gathering experiences from failed friendships, bad career choices or inability to shrewdly fight workplace politics, I kept moving on. Like a good daughter who abides by all rules of the house I completed my masters, landed up a decent job, got married at the right time and got blessed with motherhood soon after. How else is a perfect life anyway? I was a happy daughter, wife, daughter in- law, mother as I did complete justice to all these roles - fostering values, nurturing and caring for my people. I took immense pride doing that; I still do, but with a slight twist. Just as the snake sheds its old skin for the sake of growth, I consciously tried to shed few aspects of my personality pretty much for the same cause; for my personal growth and elevation to become a better individual. All this became possible only when I decided to listen to myself before anyone else in the world, when I started paying attention to my own passions long lost or forgotten or simply put on a back-foot under the pretext of being too busy or being too old to pursue those anymore. It is little unfortunate that this realization dawned on me bit late; almost after over 30 years of my life; but like its said - Its better late than never.

Today I am as content as never before. I have found a new love in whom I confide my prettiest dreams or my ugliest nightmares, with whom I share my fears and inhibitions, my goals and desires and from whom I derive strength to overcome challenges and face each day with new energy, zeal and determination. I am so grateful to have found her and to unveil the special bond we share. Be it diligently following my fitness regimen, pursuing my favorite hobbies or helping me say a firm no when it is necessary; she inspires me, motivates me and brings out the best in me. She gives me the courage to stand up for myself and reinforces that its humane to not please everyone all the time and that I can live my life my way that too absolutely guilt-free.

Yes, 'SHE' is none other than me.

Its time I give her what she deserves - unconditional love, for she has dealt with secondary treatment all these years without any qualms or complains. On this birthday I pledge to take good care of her physical,emotional and social well-being. I promise I will never let her down, I will cherish the little girl that she has always been and treat her with all due respect and dignity..because she is worth it!

Growing up as a mommy

I sit bleary eyed in a jam packed auditorium cheering and clapping for my 5 year old big girl who walks gracefully to receive her pre-school convocation. I am unable to believe that my little munchkin is no longer a toddler. She would soon enter the ruthless world of tests, assessments, assignments and grades!

Suddenly I want to turn back time, just for us - me and her, so that I could relive all the golden moments she has given me all the way in these 5 years. I want to hold her in my arms just the way I did the first time I saw her, kiss her forehead and cradle her to a peaceful sleep. I want to stay awake just to watch her sleeping innocently oblivious to the worries, fears and insecurities of life. I once again want to play peek-a-boo and hide-n-seek with her just to see the excitement on her face on seeing me. I want to build with her the most beautiful sand castles and sand cakes decorated with flowers, leaves et al without bothering about the sand particles we would take back home and the mess I would be needed to clean up. I want to paint with her, spill color and water all around and just have fun. I want to have long tub-baths with her, making shapes out of shampoo foam and giggling gleefully blowing foam bubbles onto each other. I want to play her baby yet again and let her play her favorite role of being my mommy and treat me to the various delicacies cooked by her in her tiny toy cookware.

Yes, I could still do all of it but she would no longer be the same little naughty toddler ever again. She would grow up before my eyes and we all know how time flies! Soon she would stop waking me up from deep sleep wanting me to cuddle her up because she had a bad dream, she would stop needing an hour or more of my time, efforts, stories and games to make her finish her meals, she would not need me to brush her teeth, bathe her, dress her up or put her to bed.

Although I am extremely happy like any other mother to see my baby grow independent, I realize there will be a sudden void in my routine. I feel as if my life that has been revolving around my baby since the time she entered this world, is on the verge of coming to a screeching halt after all these eventful, fast paced years. I will now have so much more time to myself that I do not know what to do with it.  I am sure all moms face it at some point or the other - the separation anxiety. I am trying my best to deal with it by keeping myself occupied in things I have always loved doing but could not pursue due to lack of time - writing is one of them!

As I rise up from my chair looking around for my little graduate, I spot her mingling with her friends, a sense of achievement in her eyes as they meet mine. I signal her to come to me as we need to rush home and as she does, I carry her in my arms and plant a peck on her cheek. She wipes it shyly and says - Mumma I am a big girl now you know, dont carry me like this. I oblige and we walk out of the auditorium, tears rolling down my cheeks - those of happiness, contentment and pride!